Feel the rollercoaster, be the rollercoaster

And not the cool Six Flag kind.

The ugly emotional kind, that gets an ugly face when crying and makes everybody uncomfortable.

Quite frankly, I tried hiding it, I tried faking until I was making it, I tried crying when nobody saw me, so I wouldn’t cry when everyone saw me. I tried controling myself, my moods, my wishes. But my psyche said : oh no, young lady.

And in a Game of Throney way: what do we say to over-control? Not today.

It’s been a month of not todays which landed me, after my first two weeks of realising I couldn’t do it myself, on the chair of a psychologist. We don’t go to psychologists here. I’ve grown all my life thinking those were for crazy people. And there I was, crazy. Or at least, afraid of not losing it and sick of all the voices in my head pestering me. Mentally toasted, numb, sick but not actually sick, you name it.

Most of all, I was not at ease with myself and couldn’t find my peace of mind now even when I slept.

You’re not good enough, look at you, you’re such a piece of shit. Oh, look, you did it again, a mistake, see, there? Idiot, stupid idiot. 

At a certain point, through all this commotion, my brain said enough is enough and then I started feeling numb. Or at least, a bit more quiet. I am always in a rush for things I don’t know I want yet. Always in a hurry, when I speak, when I work, when I try to relax. Always running.

And running makes you tired. Observing your own emotions makes you realise just how shifty you are. Here you are, up, you feel ok, everything is looking bright and sunny, from the outside. I get into the booth (i’m an interpreting trainee) and I get attacked by all the things I hate at myself. How to focus on translating, when my mind seems well engaged in beating myself down everytime I say the wrong thing? How can I calm down when the quick instinct is to be on a constant watch for a threat that never really comes? I often went at home feeling like a piece of shit.

I had an optional assignment over the holidays and when i did just a basic, routine thing, to not end up in a rut this January, I went directly into a panic attack and started crying. Consequently, it will not seem like a big surprise to hear that I haven’t touched that assignment ever since. I feel guilty, but I’d rather not go through panick attacks two and three.

I wish  to give myself some peace and quiet these following weeks, which will hardly be possible since I’m having exams coming up. Sometimes getting stuff done makes me feel calm. The trick with interpreting is you can’t really measure accurately, the amount of work and how much it really…works.

I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom, but at the same time, I feel I’m going up a mm with every passing day. I’m curious how this is going to play out and at the same time, really, really scared.

 

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I love me

I just downloaded Meghan Trainor’s album Thank you and I need to tell you that it has been the only item on my playlist for the last couple of days. I even wanted to make a review for it, but quite honestly, I cannot find my words yet. I was particularly intrigued by one song, which is called, just like my title I love me.

Apart from being extremely upbeat and with a really happy vibe to it, I also found it strange. It is a rather sensitive topic to touch, that of loving yourself. I mean, it usually is against the rules to actually love yourself. People believe when they look at someone that they must love themselves, I mean, you live with yourself all your life, who can love you better than you love yourself? If it were so Continue reading “I love me”

Unicorn in progress

I haven’t written in…literally, it’s been ages!!

Quite frankly, I sometimes get tingly fingers unexpectedly and a thought pops into my mind “You need to write, go, go,go.” On many occasions, such as this one, I don’t really have something in mind. Either way, topic or no topic, when my brain prompts me to write, I need to write, otherwise I’ll be forever tingly during the day.

I haven’t written in ages and long story short, I’ve started my masters in conference interpreting, which sounds very fancy and smart. Which it is, fancy and smart. For me, it hasn’t been a smooth transition, as I had hoped it would be, but damn, now I’m ok.

Basically, when I signed up for Continue reading “Unicorn in progress”

Lifestyle of the young and restless

These past few months I had a pretty busy schedule and I had some moments in which I truly believed I could not pull through. I graduated this year, and I don’t know about  you, but I had to write a bachelor thesis in English and take ten exams and then spend some extra two weeks studying for a final exam and preparing for the defense of the before said thesis. In a few words, I had a month and a half of turmoil, both professional and internal, because I had many things to do, and yet, as it always happens, a drive to do anything else but that. And when I couldn’t do that, there were tears, and desperation and that feeling that I was going to die young.

Of course, all’s well when it ends well and it did end, right on schedule. I am the happy possessor of a bachelor thesis in Shakespeare’s Macbeth , of a great final grade and of a beautiful Continue reading “Lifestyle of the young and restless”

#slipintomyfantasy

This. I miss this.

Whoever says that this is not what girls fantasize about is crazy. What happens in a girl’s brain is sexual rainbows, unicorns and pink soft grass, sprinkled with fairy dust and the warm rays of sunshine of a late summer morning.

What is a stupid idea, really?

Idiots Idiots everywhere

Recently I started thinking that college life could not get more ridiculous than it was at that time, but turns out it can. 3rd year came along and volunteering activities  that really set my interest on fire started coming up, like never before, right in the middle of one of my busiest periods ever. Which is now. I was chosen to do an activity recently and I took the chance and it was fun, although working with kids is troublesome. I call kids not just those who are younger than me, but those who are behaving like kids. Those who tell you to chillax, ’cause there’s time to do everything, two days before a presentation that you are supposed to deliver, a presentation which is basically non-existent, because they simply can’t get it together. Those who tell you they’ll be at a certain place at 3:00 pm, but they get there at Continue reading “What is a stupid idea, really?”

Translate the odd bird

This is me! And you may want to remember this when you ask what I'm thinking!

When I was a kid, just like any other kid, I wanted to be everything: a doctor, a musician, a designer, a journalist, even a writer. It was so easy back then; nobody required anything of you, there was no pressure and you just couldn’t wait to experiment with all the hobbies you could find. Then came the end of high school and there I stood, without a dream job, surrounded by people who seemed to shape that dream while I was preoccupied by teenage dramas and insecurities. That one was one of the hardest years ever. Then I picked one old old love, that was the love for foreign languages. And I said, Law is not for me, Medicine is something I didn’t prepare for in high school, I’m not that big of a drawer, although I’m not a total wreck either, I’m not into these micro-specialties (as I call them), like marketing, PR, social studies, European Studies etc. Well, I would be a Continue reading “Translate the odd bird”