You write about it. You try to get it out of your chest, try to think of better ways to fix the situation. You try to think over and over again if maybe you did something wrong, and what was that something that was wrong. You are under siege, disappointment is taking you hostage. And slowly, you get over it. Even if it’s sad, even if you don’t want to, the pain slowly goes away, living open nothing but void.
I don’t know what to do when you lose someone that had a high potential. These days, it’s hard to find a person you can truly call your friend, not to mention best friend. The illusive word that has been haunting me ever since I was six, possessive and jealous of everyone trying to lay their slimy hands on those I thought my friends. Since then I have this notion in my head that a friend is supposed to help you no matter what, to have your back when you can’t be in all the places you should be at once and to stand up for you when you are being mistreated. But now they stop having your back, they back-stab you, like it’s a competition of who manages to hurt you more, so you can go down and crumble. How sad people have become, at least people that I am surrounded by recently.
Talking of friendship, I don’t know when my friends have become so fake, so vain, so shallow. It is a question left unanswered since high-school, but we all know how high-school is, a bunch of immature kids that have no idea what they are going to do with their life. The first crush. The first heartbreak. Then another crush, and another heartbreak. Then your friends playing sides just to look better in the eyes of the popular entourages and you standing there, feeling like a fool and a loser, even if they haven’t bullied you in any way or said anything harmful.
But who says it doesn’t hurt all the same?
And now here I am at the University, studying for something I don’t know how much I’m gonna practice, but dreaming of something big, scary and beautiful. People haven’t changed much, they still have teenagery urges and most of them search for themselves. I search for myself, why lie. I have no idea when I am gonna become the person I want to be, but I know with every disappointment that I want people to change, I want different people around me, not the attention-seeking troubled youths who only weight me down because of all the hopes and dreams I laid in them, how much I wished things to be different, to be better.
I know two girls with whom I shared a room this past year for a semester in the dorm and they are inseparable. Always texting, always talking on the phone. Whenever something happens, one instantly calls the other to tell her what is going on or what’s new. But not in a clingy way, but in a natural way. They are friends just as easily as they breath and I never saw them fight for more than a couple of hours, because they couldn’t stay mad at each other for longer than that. Even when one of them went to France, they would Skype every evening and they would talk. And the one in France would tell the other what she bought new from the mall, because they were sales and the other one would tell her about her troubles with her boyfriend or her family. And then they would talk about boys, and how French guys are and what she likes about her five months in France that have barely started by the time I overhear their conversation. They miss each other and cannot stop talking, even if it’s thousands of miles between them.
When I find myself in this spot, I always think about them and in a way it hurts so bad that I don’t have a friend like that and never managed to keep a constant friend for more than a couple of years. My record is eight. But if I look at it differently, it’s like a promise that someday I will meet someone with whom I could be like that.
And I thought I had it, but then again, I always think I have it, until I don’t. Until they disappoint me and I am left with questions in my head, confused. This last one is almost, nearly out of her privileged state because of a really stupid thing. I missed her while in Italy, at my boyfriend’s home and just wanted to see how she was doing. She was rather replying late. I asked her if she didn’t want to skype with me, so we could talk properly, but she was on a holiday in a resort close to her home. Then she got home and she turned her hair red and she didn’t want to talk to me, cause she was thinking I might get scared. Then she said she didn’t use Skype but to talk to her parents when she was away, cause it reminded her of an LDR she had with a guy, an LDR that didn’t work out because she chose her parents, not that guy. Then I gave up. And by the time she saw my status she immediately thought it was about her, although it was not aimed at anyone but rather a thought. And raged, that she was on holiday with her parents and that is why she doesn’t talk to anyone, cause that’s how she was. And although we talked, and although we shared things you don’t share with just anybody, I was anyone out of a sudden. To top it all up, she straight told me I should enjoy my holiday with the person I came to visit and then we can talk. After I felt like a piece of shit, thank you very much.
That among other stuff. It was the tip of the iceberg that.
Oh, but are you upset?
No, I am thrilled. And just yesterday evening she started saying that she missed me, but she won’t apologize to me, cause she doesn’t apologies to anybody, not even her mother. Like I made a mistake, but it was your mistake to make a fuss about it, so fuss all you want. And now it still haunts me, 16 hours later. She was one of the closest and now she showed her teeth, showing she’s no different than the other ones before her, that don’t stand beside me now, because they haven’t done anything wrong and they don’t apologize. And then, they apologize a year later.
In a way, I am glad I have seen the truth behind her, but inside I feel like crying, although I can’t find my tears. They dried some years ago.
And I wonder, how many sad songs help you get past a bad friendship? How do you look them in the eye when autumn comes?