Today I Feel: Confident

Taking the example of facebook with the “i’m feeling” thingie, I decided to write today about what makes me happy. One of those things is me. There are some moments, rare, truly, when I actually feel like “Damn, I’m nailing it”. Usually after my exams are over, and I’m free, and I have good grades and all of a sudden summer is looking good.

Yeah, I am almost 21 and feeling happy over grades doesn’t go away at all.

And yeah, that is one of the things that make me feel confident about myself. Confidence does not fall out of heaven, just like sexiness doesn’t do it either, just like Anna says, so it is something you must look for, something you must train. It’s like that muscle you don’t really have, but without it ,your life if screwed. And many people don’t understand that, and instead of seeing you as a person, they are…well…intimidated.

It has happened to me, sometimes I hear that people won’t come near me because I would give out this…imposing allure. I had a colleague in high-school saying I was too smart for this world, and God, that sounded wrong, regardless of which were her intentions. It is stupid to find someone inaccessible, when that person doesn’t do anything to make herself unaccessible, but mind her own damn business. I don’t get grades to prove anyone anything, I do it because it makes me feel happy to know that new chunks of information have been acquired successfully and now my mind knows more than it knew yesterday. If that doesn’t happen at least my mind did some gymnastics and yeah, that is not something wrong either. When one is 20, one must not be an intellectual vegetable, otherwise at 80 they will probably be less than that and probably filled with regrets, somewhere in that side of their mind that is not mushy already. And we don’t want to reach 80 after living a really really boring life, isn’t it? Well…I don’t, for starters.

I hate it when people judge me for what I accomplished so far and forget about trying to get to know who I am, with all my little things. Firstly, because it is not much, if you look at it outside the box. I think it is everybody’s duty to get the best of their experiences, and if they don’t, then they deserve to lie in shit until they come to this miraculous conclusion that they are the architects of their own destiny. For example, if your parents can afford to keep you in college, then go ahead and do something with that, slacker, something that is gonna make you feel proud later. Party, yeah, but at the end of the day see that your academic results are not totally and absolutely rock bottom. Even if they are, don’t blame the system and don’t look at those who succeed with envy and disgust, saying that they must not have any social life, they can’t possibly do anything else then study, there’s something wrong with them, they must be exterminated etc. It is not constructive, plus it leads to pain. It sucks when such specimens come to you, and they tell you offensive things that are obviously not true, just because you mind your damn business and you mind it pretty damn well. It’s hurtful; after all, everybody has a heart and nobody deserves to be tormented as such. And at some periods of your life you do feel tormented, and you need someone to tell you what the hell is going on.

People that succeed in their own way should be seen as paragons, not as antagonists. I know I had some paragons among my classmates, for instance, which I silently admired and watched to see which part of me I could better in order to get closer to some illusive best version of me residing, obviously, in the future.

And it doesn’t apply only in an academic context, although I might use it later to draw a sort of connection. For example, I took up this spring the very healthy habit of going to the gym on a regular basis. Didn’t last long because of poor trainers, but what that subscription got me was way better than lifting any heavy objects. It got me to trying indoor cycling, which is AWESOME. So I tried it for a while and I went into that phase in which I felt the need to share my happiness with the world, but then again, after a while, people looked at me strange. Like “How can she do everything? Handle her bibliographies , tasks and assignments, eat healthier AND go every two days to CYCLING…whatever that is

Like it’s some form of sorcery. Like, come on, girl, just stop it. Stop it this instant, you’re infuriating me.

Sometimes I regret that I don’t boast about things I did or do, shove them in everybody’s faces like it’s my life’s purpose to shove my life down everybody’s throat. People who do it, walk around like they own the crowds, while if you shut up and don’t do anything of the sort, they label you in some way that at the end of the day you don’t truly like. Even if it comes from friends, or pseudo-friends or whatever. Even if it walks like a compliment, it talks like a compliment, but it bites harder than an army of bees put together.

What is the sad conclusion of this post is that at the end of the day it’s hard to really distinguish the malice from actual straight talk and the irony behind innocent jokes. In the end, are your friends truly your friends, or just people you know that are taking advantage of you, then call you names, then they poof! disappear after the next big shot who promises to be too smart for this world?

The very very happy conclusion of this post is you must stay like that, you must nourish that, what you are, which is threatening the mediocre masses. Let them blabber, let them envy, cause at the end of the day, just like I said, your destiny is in your hands and in your hands only. Use it wisely.




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