Some time ago, in highschool, I had this desire of exchanging thoughts with a person from outside my country. At that point, I had been studying English for over nine years and scarcely speaking it. You know, when the teacher does most of the talking, and you say yes and you say no, and you solve some grammar exercises, then get 20 seconds of glory when the undivided attention of the teacher is yours and the teacher wants you to open your mouth to sing short sweet Continue reading “Why is it so hard to find a foreign friend?”
There are some days in which things look gloomy, days in which everything seems grey and all I’m supposed to do doesn’t happen in just a day. There are days in which I want to succeed in just a day, to know exactly what is going to happen, step by step, so I could do it better when I am supposed to do it. What I sometimes forget is that everything that is life altering never happens when I plan it. These are the events that have a way of their own, that are worth remembering and worth living, the things I know deep down that are going to make my life memorable. But don’t we all sometimes want to just Continue reading “On graduation. Premature thoughts.”
Today I made some changes to my profile.
First of all, I changed my user name. Completely. Did it from scratch.
Then, to avoid further confusions, I transfered my blog to the said new user name and thus, separated myself from my old blog. I don’t know how many of you actually read me or how many of you accessed my profile when I commented on your posts, but I think it is overwhelming to read a comment someone wrote in English, and then click on their blog and see it’s written in some other, exotic language. Made me feel like I was a sort of Continue reading “It was about time I…”
Today is the day when my mother gave birth to me. The day I finally saw the light. The day in which I was actually breathing on my own for the first time. The day in which my family became, in fact, a family.
Most importantly, today is the day in which I am allowed to drink alcohol in whichever country I choose to visit, including the United States.
There is nostalgia involved, but in a way, growing up I find all sorts of funny stuff to say around every anniversary. Looking back, this year was wicked in the truest sense of the way and looking back to the other years, it gets more and more wicked as time passes. It’s insane, truly, adulthood is insane.
I knew last year when I turned 20 that from now on I am gonna be 20 something, but now, 20 something is even stronger than it used to be. When I was younger, I thought these are gonna be the golden years, the ones in which I’m gonna have the greatest amount of fun ever, surrounded by all the right people, but as I stand here now, I think the fun is just starting. Or maybe I am just very very sad. I got sick (in a way) of people clubbing around me, people partying like they know what they are doing, pretending to have fun, when in truth nobody does without cigarettes and booze. Unless you get really drunk , you can’t really say that a party was awesome and after you wake up, there’s nothing remarkable about a party that ended but a few hours ago. So no, with the risk of seeming boring, I really don’t want to be a part of that, but rather focus on the things that matter, like making a future for myself, finding what I liked and what I could learn to be better professionally and having fun with the people that actually matter, those who keep you on the phone for more than 20 minutes, cause there’s just so much to talk about. Even if they are just two. Even though that makes me sad sometimes, I am freakin’ damn lucky to have them. And to have my family next to me. And yeah, 20 something might be even more awesome than 10 something, when you did not know what the hell was going on, in a really really really gonna enjoy myself kind of way.
To sum up this year, there have been tears, anger, disappointments, but there was also laughter, traveling and good morning and good night kisses. There were silly moments and there were moments in which seriousness was essential. Easy times and hard times. Moments that I would like to keep forever.
Time is fleeting and honestly, all I wish now is to be better than I was last year. That’s what I always want and it hasn’t disappointed me yet.
What would you wish? Leave me a comment in the section below.
Today we’re gonna play a little imagination exercise, with me, let’s say, waking up this morning 10 years older than I was yesterday. How would my day go? First of all there will be that moment in the mirror, where my usually morning face, rested and not smiling before showering first would be a little older than the usual. Wrinkles. Holy shit, when did I get those. My hair would probably be my hair, that looks like I am some drunk cheerleader that fell asleep in a ditch, ponytail on one side, lots of strands of hair all over my face. If I get up early this morning, I might actually find myself with eyes that cannot open. Like, please, light, don’t kill me now, it’s freakin’ early for you to shine so bright. That kind of thing. After seeing that something changed radically, I might actually pick up my cell and check the date. Holy molly , it’s August 11, 2024.
Wooooooow! Have I been drinking last night and if I did, how did I fall asleep for 10 YEARS?! Looking for potential outfit from last night anyways. Looking for anything that might tell me what I have been doing for the past 10 years. Checking my wallet. No cards that might have money in it. Then who the hell am I?
I would probably freak out, sit myself down on the couch and probably try to rock me into waking up. It cannot be. Whom could I call to ask them about what I have been doing? Who would I actually believe what I was saying.
Screwed on so many levels.
My boyfriend! I need to call my boyfriend. Wait, do I still have a boyfriend? What if it’s not the same I used to have yesterday, 10 years ago? What if I’m married? Checking for ring. No ring. Why don’t I have a ring? would I say, sobbing, forever-alonish. Look at me, at my face, at my body. How will I look good in a white dress looking like this? I am old. Oh boobies, what happened to you?!
Probably after a while I would realize that it is high-time I did something. Something to reverse it or maybe something to get used to it. To be honest, being my 2014 self, I don’t wish my life to be wasted as such by the time I reach 31 years old. By then, I see myself with a great job, a husband, a house, not some disoriented freak who doesn’t understand how time has passed. It is true, at some point looking back, all memories of what we used to be, say five years ago , are somehow a blur. Thank Goodness that in truth they still are things that actually happened. Imagine what it would be like to wake up one morning and not remember anything of what you did yesterday, no alcohol consumption involved.
Probably, if what I said above would actually occur, I would probably try to do things that I wish to do, which I don’t remember doing in the past 10 years. I would make my life worth it. I would go scuba diving and sky diving and mountain climbing and I would probably try everything I now doubted being capable of. If you put it that way, I would probably be braver, because I would see on my own skin how fast time goes by and how essential it is to do the things you actually want to do, before your time ends. I often doubt my capacities, thinking that maybe I am not going to do well at something, or it won’t help me in my future career. Now everything revolves around that, but does it? Is it really meaningful living to not focus on all the tiny things you would want to do, but you can’t because you’re worried the other side is gonna fall apart otherwise?
My question for you is not about what would you do if that would happen, but in a way, what would you want to remember from those 10 years that elapsed between yesterday and today? What would truly deserve such recognition?
P.S: The Daily prompt doesn’t stop to impress me these days with topics that instantly set my mind to typing words. If it continues this way, you’ll have more of me in no time.
Well well well…Let’s just say today my fingers have been tingling , eager to write, but I found myself without any ideas. Then I turned to The Daily post, and they had a rather interesting question today about seconds opinions in general, on what aspects do I like to get second opinions when I am not certain of something and inevitably, who are the people to which I turn to get those confirmations I so desperately need.
Personally, I am not the second opinion type, but mostly the one that gives a second opinion. When I read the question, the first thing that popped into my mind was shopping. Usually, when I go shopping with a friend, I am the one that that friend has to drag through all the shops. Depending on how annoying that person gets if she doesn’t find what she’s looking for, this dragging process is rather enjoying, cause you never know what you might find in a stroll through the shopping mall. I enjoy being dragged (well, that came out weird) and I consider myself one of the most patient specimens when it comes both to looking for what I want and giving opinions on certain outfits (even if at some point they are countless, with no satisfying results) that my friends try on.
When it comes to me doing the shopping, I am dragging my mother. I do not like to go shopping with my friends, because most of them ,after one shop or two lose interest, and then they start approving your outfit even if it looks awful on you, just so they can get this shopping thing over with. And I hate it. First of all, because in a way it is a sign they do not care too much about what I look like and second of all because I usually go shopping with a certain vision in my head.
This vision from my head sometimes is hard to find.
Then, I see something that might work, but still, paranoia sets in immediately. What if I am gonna go in the next shop and there is where I am going to find my vision hanging and then I am gonna get stuck with something that is not my vision?
So I browse in all the shops on a certain area, to make sure the vision doesn’t escape me, if she’s out there.
And then I most often settle for the thing that might work, cause after my legs are sore and I have tried on a bunch of clothes that looked awful, that choice was perfect after all.
Some friends don’t understand it and they lack the patience. Even my mother lacks the patience, because with the passing time, it takes less and less to make her lose her patience with me, and decide she’s gonna return home because she doesn’t stand the endless browsing anymore. What I like about my mother, though, is the fact that she is always honest with me about clothes. If she hates it, she’s gonna say it out loud. The same thing if something doesn’t fit right, like jeans, tank tops and dresses. If the heels I intend to buy are too high for me, she is gonna be there saying that after less than an hour I will be shoe-less, with knives in my legs, begging for a pair of flats like a man lost in the middle of the desert begs for water and then I am definitely not gonna wear that pair of shoes for a really really long time. And I appreciate it, because that sort of behavior gives me an efficient wardrobe, filled with all the things that fit right, that are right for me.
Now, leaving shopping aside, my parents are the main advisors when it comes to life issues. People outside the people who know me since I was the size of a nugget tend to be judgmental, gossipy and on no account reliable. They most of the time don’t know how to keep their mouth shut when I want it shut and sometimes people take advantage of your weak periods, so they can use information against you, when you least expected. Paranoid much? you might ask, but trust me, experience taught me to pick very carefully the people in which I could trust. Which makes it hard to go around ask people what they think about this and that. Sometimes it’s better to just trust your own gut.
Now tell me, what are the persons you go to ask for second opinions? Can’t wait to read all about it!
You write about it. You try to get it out of your chest, try to think of better ways to fix the situation. You try to think over and over again if maybe you did something wrong, and what was that something that was wrong. You are under siege, disappointment is taking you hostage. And slowly, you get over it. Even if it’s sad, even if you don’t want to, the pain slowly goes away, living open nothing but void.
I don’t know what to do when you lose someone that had a high potential. These days, it’s hard to find a person you can truly call your friend, not to mention best friend. The illusive word that has been haunting me ever since I was six, possessive and jealous of everyone trying to lay their slimy hands on those I thought my friends. Since then I have this notion in my head that a friend is supposed to help you no matter what, to have your back when you can’t be in all the places you should be at once and to stand up for you when you are being mistreated. But now they stop having your back, they back-stab you, like it’s a competition of who manages to hurt you more, so you can go down and crumble. How sad people have become, at least people that I am surrounded by recently.
Talking of friendship, I don’t know when my friends have become so fake, so vain, so shallow. It is a question left unanswered since high-school, but we all know how high-school is, a bunch of immature kids that have no idea what they are going to do with their life. The first crush. The first heartbreak. Then another crush, and another heartbreak. Then your friends playing sides just to look better in the eyes of the popular entourages and you standing there, feeling like a fool and a loser, even if they haven’t bullied you in any way or said anything harmful.
But who says it doesn’t hurt all the same?
And now here I am at the University, studying for something I don’t know how much I’m gonna practice, but dreaming of something big, scary and beautiful. People haven’t changed much, they still have teenagery urges and most of them search for themselves. I search for myself, why lie. I have no idea when I am gonna become the person I want to be, but I know with every disappointment that I want people to change, I want different people around me, not the attention-seeking troubled youths who only weight me down because of all the hopes and dreams I laid in them, how much I wished things to be different, to be better.
I know two girls with whom I shared a room this past year for a semester in the dorm and they are inseparable. Always texting, always talking on the phone. Whenever something happens, one instantly calls the other to tell her what is going on or what’s new. But not in a clingy way, but in a natural way. They are friends just as easily as they breath and I never saw them fight for more than a couple of hours, because they couldn’t stay mad at each other for longer than that. Even when one of them went to France, they would Skype every evening and they would talk. And the one in France would tell the other what she bought new from the mall, because they were sales and the other one would tell her about her troubles with her boyfriend or her family. And then they would talk about boys, and how French guys are and what she likes about her five months in France that have barely started by the time I overhear their conversation. They miss each other and cannot stop talking, even if it’s thousands of miles between them.
When I find myself in this spot, I always think about them and in a way it hurts so bad that I don’t have a friend like that and never managed to keep a constant friend for more than a couple of years. My record is eight. But if I look at it differently, it’s like a promise that someday I will meet someone with whom I could be like that.
And I thought I had it, but then again, I always think I have it, until I don’t. Until they disappoint me and I am left with questions in my head, confused. This last one is almost, nearly out of her privileged state because of a really stupid thing. I missed her while in Italy, at my boyfriend’s home and just wanted to see how she was doing. She was rather replying late. I asked her if she didn’t want to skype with me, so we could talk properly, but she was on a holiday in a resort close to her home. Then she got home and she turned her hair red and she didn’t want to talk to me, cause she was thinking I might get scared. Then she said she didn’t use Skype but to talk to her parents when she was away, cause it reminded her of an LDR she had with a guy, an LDR that didn’t work out because she chose her parents, not that guy. Then I gave up. And by the time she saw my status she immediately thought it was about her, although it was not aimed at anyone but rather a thought. And raged, that she was on holiday with her parents and that is why she doesn’t talk to anyone, cause that’s how she was. And although we talked, and although we shared things you don’t share with just anybody, I was anyone out of a sudden. To top it all up, she straight told me I should enjoy my holiday with the person I came to visit and then we can talk. After I felt like a piece of shit, thank you very much.
That among other stuff. It was the tip of the iceberg that.
Oh, but are you upset?
No, I am thrilled. And just yesterday evening she started saying that she missed me, but she won’t apologize to me, cause she doesn’t apologies to anybody, not even her mother. Like I made a mistake, but it was your mistake to make a fuss about it, so fuss all you want. And now it still haunts me, 16 hours later. She was one of the closest and now she showed her teeth, showing she’s no different than the other ones before her, that don’t stand beside me now, because they haven’t done anything wrong and they don’t apologize. And then, they apologize a year later.
In a way, I am glad I have seen the truth behind her, but inside I feel like crying, although I can’t find my tears. They dried some years ago.
And I wonder, how many sad songs help you get past a bad friendship? How do you look them in the eye when autumn comes?