And not the cool Six Flag kind.
The ugly emotional kind, that gets an ugly face when crying and makes everybody uncomfortable.
Quite frankly, I tried hiding it, I tried faking until I was making it, I tried crying when nobody saw me, so I wouldn’t cry when everyone saw me. I tried controling myself, my moods, my wishes. But my psyche said : oh no, young lady.
And in a Game of Throney way: what do we say to over-control? Not today.
It’s been a month of not todays which landed me, after my first two weeks of realising I couldn’t do it myself, on the chair of a psychologist. We don’t go to psychologists here. I’ve grown all my life thinking those were for crazy people. And there I was, crazy. Or at least, afraid of not losing it and sick of all the voices in my head pestering me. Mentally toasted, numb, sick but not actually sick, you name it.
Most of all, I was not at ease with myself and couldn’t find my peace of mind now even when I slept.
You’re not good enough, look at you, you’re such a piece of shit. Oh, look, you did it again, a mistake, see, there? Idiot, stupid idiot.
At a certain point, through all this commotion, my brain said enough is enough and then I started feeling numb. Or at least, a bit more quiet. I am always in a rush for things I don’t know I want yet. Always in a hurry, when I speak, when I work, when I try to relax. Always running.
And running makes you tired. Observing your own emotions makes you realise just how shifty you are. Here you are, up, you feel ok, everything is looking bright and sunny, from the outside. I get into the booth (i’m an interpreting trainee) and I get attacked by all the things I hate at myself. How to focus on translating, when my mind seems well engaged in beating myself down everytime I say the wrong thing? How can I calm down when the quick instinct is to be on a constant watch for a threat that never really comes? I often went at home feeling like a piece of shit.
I had an optional assignment over the holidays and when i did just a basic, routine thing, to not end up in a rut this January, I went directly into a panic attack and started crying. Consequently, it will not seem like a big surprise to hear that I haven’t touched that assignment ever since. I feel guilty, but I’d rather not go through panick attacks two and three.
I wish to give myself some peace and quiet these following weeks, which will hardly be possible since I’m having exams coming up. Sometimes getting stuff done makes me feel calm. The trick with interpreting is you can’t really measure accurately, the amount of work and how much it really…works.
I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom, but at the same time, I feel I’m going up a mm with every passing day. I’m curious how this is going to play out and at the same time, really, really scared.